Thursday, May 26, 2011

loss is not as bad as wanting more.

simplicity. a small word for such an powerful way to live, to be, and to understand who we are and why we're here.
i've always admired simplistic people for their ability to address issues and discuss ideas in a clear and precise way, something that i've never been able to do. I've always been known for talking too much, too loudly, with too much energy; i tend to overdo nearly everything i try to accomplish. 
but, in the past, my complexity tends to back fire and destroy everything i've invested my unruly energy into. i'll overwhelm myself because i want to do everything for everyone, all the time, resulting in projects and plans crashing to the floor. the worst part is that in my efforts to try and help, i end up hurting the person more.

my intentions and motives are always good, yet my actions reflect the people-pleasing side of me, which reflect a selfish side of breanna that i've always hated. my actions and willingness to do things for other people aren't motivated by a need for the other person to accept me (generally), but because of my sensitivity in similar situations and my internal gratitude for people who act out of love and graciousness. i will be forever moved by the people who've treated me with selfless acts of beauty, and i've always wanted to be someone that will change others' lives in the same way.
sometimes, though, i'm not honest with myself-or others- about what i can and cannot do. for example, i've had a tendency to make multiple plans on the same night, and when the time comes to make a decision of what to do and who to change plans with, i'm too afraid of hurting that person- so i don't do anything. i'll just sit, plagued with anxiety about what they'll say or what i'll have to do, and blow the whole night by dwelling on  what-ifs.
i've never really understood how awful that feels until someone told me (not in a hurtful way, but an honest one) that i was "unreliable". that stung worse than i could have imagined, because i've always felt a fundamental part of who i am was to connect to others with an open heart. unreliability, to me, felt like an unconcerned individual that didn't care what they did to whomever they dealt with.
unreliable. one of the most shameful words someone could be described as. yet, for a lot of my life, i've deserved that word. 

this summer, i've been feeling an internal change. i can't quite describe it, but a quote i read describes it very closely: "the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." i realized that so much of my energy, time, love, thoughts, attention and focus was spent on trying to decipher the chaos of my life, which resulted in a disarray of my thoughts, my spiritual identity, my relationships, and myself. i caused self-inflicted anxiety, and instead of eliminating the stressors and frustration out of my life, i hid behind it. i've gotten so used to body-numbing, mind-piercing, spiritually depleting, energy-poisoning anxiety that if i'm not under an enormous amount of stress, i don't feel 'normal'.

well, now it's time for me to use the extra energy, focus, and attention that was previously wasted on stress and anxiety to now face the fears and doubts that caused me to hid behind my chaotic self. 

this brings me back to the idea of simplicity. now that i have the tools to overcome the biggest, scariest, and deepest fears without the distractions and safety of hiding behind my web of chaos, i know i will become a newly-blossomed bud, with nothing (including myself) standing in my way.

Simplicity, patience, compassion. 
These three are your greatest treasures. 
Simple in actions and thoughts, you return to the source of being. 
Patient with both friends and enemies, 
you accord with the way things are. 
Compassionate toward yourself, 
you reconcile all beings in the world.
 Lao Tzu (Tao Te Ching)

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