Wednesday, August 10, 2011

what keeps me going, especially when i don't think i can.

sometimes everyone needs a little pick-me-up, and right now, i'm needing to share some of my internal support. 

lately i've been thinking a lot about how i observe other people, and how i (unfairly) compare my own life to the surface of another's. i strive to be the kind of person that can be genuinely happy for some one else, to really support those who are living a life they want to live. but, as of recently, i feel as though i'm witnessing other people's lives flourishing with happiness, ease, and comfort, and simultaneously reflect on my own stress, pain, and struggles. i was overwhelmed with injustice, desperation, and confusion because i didn't understand why i was going through these hardships, and why other people deserved such a comfortable life. 

but, how wrong i was. i never realized what i've been doing is simply a selfish act of fear, until i quietly observed what it was i felt. i can't remember the exact moment where my excitement, love, or support for others turned into fear, anger, and sadness... all i know is at some point it did. (not that i'm currently all three of those emotions, but something in me did change, and i felt as if the spark of love and joy inside me turned into a fearful dimmed version of myself). 
it was as if i was overwhelmed with the idea i wasn't going to get enough, or be enough, or do/say/think/achieve/save enough to be as happy as someone else...and that fear multiplied like a virus inside my mind and spirit. that one fear paralyzed me, and stopped me from overcoming other obstacles i once had the courage to face, and left me in a pit of my own self-inflicted misery with nothing to show for it. the worst part of having a selfish-nervous-breakdown is neither the feeling itself nor the cyclical stress it produces, but the effect it has on the people i care about. deep inside my own self, i couldn't feel happiness for a friend who was given great news, or a coworker who was given much deserved appreciation, all i could feel was, "why couldn't have i had that?" i stopped opening up about the stress in my life to those who cared about me (that began as a little seed of fear and manifested itself into a mountain of intimidation) and caused suspicion and dishonesty in relationships that matter. i started acting so unlike myself, that i felt uncomfortable to even be alone.
 if only i had known earlier that once i quieted the nonsensical, disruptive chatter of fear that whispers in the back of my mind, i would have understood that everything will simply be okay. 

it's not that i ever wanted to feel these emotions, or act in a way that would hurt anyone i loved, it was merely just my unconscious reaction to a fear i didn't understand (and currently do not understand, but, with time, i learn more about myself everyday).

so, as i sit here eating my hummus and drinking my lime la croix, i feel a sense of relief for knowing someone has been where i have, and felt what i've been feeling, and knowing i'm not alone in battling the crippling anxiety we all meet in our lifetime.

whenever you feel like you can't be happy for a friend, or feel sympathetic for someone who needs support, i hope you can understand the fear you're experiencing in your own life. here are some motivational quotes that inspired me to face myself and overcome any fear i felt.

1."You might well remember that nothing can bring you success but yourself."Napoleon Hill 

2. "The brick walls are not there to keep us out. The brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. Because the brick walls are there to stop the people who don’t want it badly enough."
Randy Pausch

3."Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right."
Henry Ford

4."Always bear in mind that your own resolution to succeed is more important than any other."
Abraham Lincoln

5."Every person who wins in any undertaking must be willing to cut all sources of retreat. Only by doing so can one be sure of maintaining that state of mind known as a burning desire to win - essential to success."
Napoleon Hill

6. "We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand."
Randy Pausch

7. "Don't wish it were easier, wish you were better."
Jim Rohn

8. "When you cease to dream you cease to live."
Malcolm Forbes

9."A hero is no braver than an ordinary man, but he is brave five minutes longer."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

10."I do believe that the single most important thing I could ever share with you with regard to maximizing the health, harmony, and happiness in your life can be summed up in just two words: 'Love Yourself'"
Mike Dooley

11."Be courageous. I have seen many depressions in business. Always America has emerged from these stronger and more prosperous. Be brave as your fathers before you. Have faith! Go forward!"
Thomas A Edison

12."Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action."
Benjamin Disraeli

13."All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them."
Walt Disney

14."All riches have their origin in mind. Wealth is in ideas - not money."
Robert Collier

15. "Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential."
Winston Churchill

16."As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do."
Andrew Carnegie

17. "One of the things that may get in the way of people being lifelong learners is that they’re not in touch with their passion. If you’re passionate about what it is you do, then you’re going to be looking for everything you can to get better at it."
Jack Canfield

18. "Perfection does not exist - you can always do better and you can always grow."
Les Brown

19. "If you have anything really valuable to contribute to the world it will come through the expression of your own personality, that single spark of divinity that sets you off and makes you different from every other living creature."
Bruce Barton

20. "Everything that exists is in a manner the seed of that which will be."
Marcus Aurelius

21. "When faced with a decision, many people say they are waiting for God. But I understand, in most cases, God is waiting for me."
Andy Andrews

22. "A man sooner or later discovers that he is the master-gardener of his soul, the director of his life."
James Allen 

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